Tag: questioning sexuality

Intimate Connections

July 13th, 2025
WOW! It’s been such a long time since I wrote in my blog, so I’m just going to get straight to the point of my post today.

Polyamory. Yes! Polyamory. It’s a topic that is often filled with uneasiness, fear and even revulsion when brought up, and I can understand why it has such a bad connotation. From birth, most of us were raised by heterosexual parents who practiced monogamy. Everywhere you look, monogamy is fed to us as the norm. Through television, movies, magazines, our family and friends, we are a society that sees being in love with one sole partner as the relationship goal in order for our lives to feel fulfilled and complete.

I wanted to share my story of how I decided to give polyamory a chance. How it enhanced my life, and to possibly shed some light onto a taboo subject that many may not know too much about.

If you’ve read any of my other posts you know that I was raised to believe in the relationship escalator; we meet a person of the opposite sex with whom we connect with, date for a while, get engaged or move in together, marry, have kids, buy a house, and just live the American dream. That’s what I thought I wanted, and at one time there was a part of me that was quite content living that life. Until I wasn’t. Tired and depressed of pushing away my sexuality is when I came out at the age of 42.

When I look back on this time, I must say that it wasn’t as difficult as I’ve heard that some others were having. I had a great support system in my family and friends, who didn’t question my realization, and loved me the same.

During this time of coming out, I was on a mission to fulfill that same need of finding that one person to be in a relationship with. I wanted so badly to share an emotional and physical bond with someone. I’ll save a lot of time by just saying that after many failed relationships with women, and the latest one ending one year after living together in 2024, I decided I didn’t want to do things the same way that I had in past relationships. This whole being someones everything, and expecting them to be mine was just too much on my heart. I was tired of the controlling and jealous behaviors that I experienced in every same sex relationship I’ve had. I just needed a break from my normal approach.

After that break up in 2024, I wanted nothing to do with a relationship or even dating. I wanted to take some time for myself. Figure out what it was that truly made me happy and just pursue that. I started to work on a farm for a few months, reconnected with friends, and really enjoyed some “me” time.

As a few months went by, I decided to get on the dating apps to “date”. I missed that form of human connection and to be honest, mostly the physical one. I’d never really dated before, and was adamant about doing so this time. I wanted to meet people and see what connections could be made, without the worry of following any societal norm of being in a relationship. I had also been reading quite a bit on Polyamory, specifically solo poly which is what I found to be the most appealing to me.

I met A on a dating site. She is married, has a girlfriend in another state, but also living solo poly; a form of non-monogamy where individuals can have multiple intimate relationships while prioritizing their own individuality and autonomy. At first I thought maybe I’d have some issues with jealousy, but after much introspection I learned my feelings of hurt and abandonment all came from the broken promises, lies and betrayal within my monogamous relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, jealousy definitely exists in the polyamory world. It’s a normal emotion. The difference is how the jealousy is dealt with. It’s about having emotionally healthy conversations. An acceptance and assurance that we’re still important in each others lives. A knowing that just because we share a connection with another person, doesn’t mean we lose the connection we have with each other. There is enough room to hold space and love for more than one person. Once I first experienced jealousy with A, I immediately made it known and we talked about it in such an adult manner, that when I think back to that day it brings tears to my eyes. Despite those feelings being so difficult to admit, there was an acceptance from her that it was OK to feel this way. It made me feel seen and heard in a way I never had in my previous relationships. Being able to show up as myself has allowed me to explore more meaningful connections, which has lead to my other love, E. The same level of emotional depth and true desire to see me happy exists in both of my girlfriends. It’s quite refreshing and wonderful and I feel very fortunate every single day to be able to share my life with them.

I get asked various questions regarding my new found relationship dynamic. With many comments being profoundly negative because it’s not for them, or that I’m just afraid to settle down or commit to one person again. I can understand someone not comprehending how a 54 year old goes from being solely monogamous all of their adult life, to just a little over one year being non-monogamous. As I’ve lived my life after I’ve come out, I’ve learned that if something isn’t working, then I need to change it. Monogamy was not working for me. The heaviness of having to mend myself emotionally and financially after each failed union was something I didn’t have in me anymore. The past year has been amazing for me emotionally. I’ve grown in ways I never imagined. Loved in ways I never thought was possible, and opened myself up to nonconformity that helps me be more compassionate and understanding to others.

I’ve always known I have a big heart. I also know that it was taken for granted and abused. Loving in this way has allowed me to respect my own wants and needs more than ever. There are so many ways to do polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy, so my views are not the rule. As long as I do what works between me and my partners then that’s all the acceptance I need. It’s also not easy. It takes a tremendous amount of emotional intelligence and communication with all parties. Due to this, I believe this is where my growth happens, as well as within my relationships with my partners.
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Letting Go

October 21st, 2022
I recently came across a statement by Deborah Reber that has helped me in my quest of learning the practice of letting go.

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone (or something) anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself”.

Sounds like a simple enough statement, and it is, but on the other hand it takes a lot of work to get to this realization that there are many things in life that we can not control. I spent most of my adult life trying to control the outcomes. I’ve learned this is due to the unfortunate things that happened in my childhood where I had absolutely no control. I still at times believe that if I can control a certain situation, or outcome, my pain or suffering will be less. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

When I say this is an ongoing process for me, it is. I tend to resort back to my old patterns and ways of dealing with things. I believe that just because I made certain declarations and statements, they should be upheld. When those words can’t be fulfilled by me or another person, I tend to see myself and them as imposters and not ever thinking those words were spoken in truth. The reality is, things change. People change. Situations arise where we no longer feel we can uphold those words or statements. And this is OK. Instead of ruminating over what I could’ve done differently; asking question after question of what I did wrong, there really is no answer that is ever going to suffice. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve gotten answers, only to question them and still not receive the closure I’ve wanted and needed.

The first time I can remember letting go of a situation where I felt I needed so many questions answered, was the suicide of my mother. This occurred when I was 13, and I spent my teenage years not dealing with the emotions of that loss at all. As I’ve written about before, it was only when I had my son did I realize I had to deal with her death in order to move on and be the mother I needed to be. I collected her medical records, questioned her family, questioned my father, racked my brain to why any mother would leave her children behind. Why?! It just didn’t make sense to me at all. Then one day my therapist said to me, “You may never have the answer to this question. She is not here to answer it and she probably is the only one that could give you the answer you desire. But even with that answer, you may not like her response and would question her reasoning, therefore creating a never ending cycle of requiring the answer for your closure. Closure really comes from you. Letting go of all the things you think you could’ve controlled to make this terrible tragedy not happen. Once you let it go and accept it for what it is; your mothers decision to end her life, is when you will be able to truly heal from it.”

There is no easy way to let go. One thing I’ve always found to be consistent in my being able to move forward in my healing was to relinquish the need to understand it all. Once I get to that point, I know I’m going to be alright. This in no way means that I do not have feelings of sadness over the losses. I absolutely 100% do. I allow myself to feel all the emotions; hurt, anger, confusion. Then I tell myself a different story. I tell myself that some things just are not meant to stay with us forever. For whatever reason, these interactions with people or places needed to end. It’s accepted. I cherish the times that were good and hold them close in my memory, and I make the decision to no longer have those negative feelings take up space in my heart and mind.

It’s amazing actually, how true the statement is that you attract the energy you emit. When I feel the freest I’ve felt in a while, is when good things come to me. Having that happen to me several times in my life makes the letting go process a little bit easier each time it comes up.

There are things in our lifetime that will always cause us pain, anger and sadness. Trying to justify it will only clog up the pathway to allow the positive to make it’s way to you. Accept and let go.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it’s the letting go.” ~ Herman Hess
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Breaking Patterns

October 14th, 2022
I decided to write about this – as I do with many of my topics, because it’s something that I’m currently dealing with, or have experienced at some point in my life.

Whenever I tend to repeat things in my life that do not allow me to have the desired effect I want, I try to evaluate what it is I did or didn’t do. Sometimes I can figure it out on my own, and other times I cannot.

After my last breakup, I once again felt like a failure. Unworthy of love and feeling like I was damaged in some way that was causing me to not have the ability to sustain a relationship. Since this was the fifth failed relationship in 9 years, I thought it was time I saw my therapist to dig deep into some self work and find out what it was exactly that I was doing wrong.

My therapist knew my back story; that I was with my ex-husband for a total of 21 years (married 17), and that putting my kids through this change was extremely difficult and left me feeling guilty for several years after. We then started to discuss the relationship with my first girlfriend after my marriage ended. This one lasted 2 years and I lived with her for almost a year. She was also the only woman I ever lived with. Although this woman was controlling, and emotionally and physically abusive to me, she had a great relationship with my kids; especially my daughter. When I decided it was healthier for me to end things, my daughter was once again in pain. She told me she’d never get close to another partner of mine, because love isn’t real and doesn’t last. After feeling back to back pain from yet another break up involving the people she loved, she wasn’t going to allow herself to get close to anyone I was with ever again. So here I am, feeling the guilt once more.

I will save you all of the details of each relationship after that one, but they were either long distance or married. There were always restrictions and limitations. When my therapist brought this up, she asked me if I saw a pattern. I did. Something I never noticed before. And she asked me if it was possible that I was selecting slightly unavailable partners as a safety measure so that I could not only shield my kids from more pain, but also myself. If I didn’t have a full life with these women and they were held at a distance, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much if it ended?

Wow! It was as if someone had smacked me over the head and I woke up. It made so much sense to me. And what I found interesting was now that my kids were adults in their 20’s, having healed and not afraid of getting to know any new partner of mine, I still had this same mentality of guarding them and myself.

I had found the pattern. As much as I wanted a lifelong love; someone to share my life with, I was selecting women who were unwilling, or unable to give me the same thing. I used to tell myself that having an incredible relationship with someone only part-time with restrictions, was better than having a mediocre one full time. The reality being, I wasn’t allowing myself to be open to having it all, because I feared so much of it being stripped away.

I realize there are marriages out there that are not good. Spouses that are manipulative, abusive, and downright horrific. Getting yourself out of that situation creates a sense of safety, the space to heal, and rebuild your self-worth. I did not experience a bad marriage. He was not mean, unkind, nor emotionally or physically abusive. We weren’t a great match, but he was a good husband and father. When I left, I felt the loss of that long time commitment we shared together as a family unit. Not having that anymore devastated me more than I ever admitted.

So as I’m writing this, I still have things that scare me about becoming emotionally involved again, but I can say that I feel more equipped with how to navigate this due to not repeating the patterns I have in the past. As I wrote in a recent post about therapy, I am grateful to have the trust in my therapist to help me find solutions to the issues I feel stuck in. I may not discover the answers right away, but with my willingness to learn more about myself and grow, I know I’ll eventually get there.
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Friends With Exes

October 13th, 2022
I decided to write about this topic because in the near decade of me being out, I’ve heard many stories, and even met fellow lesbians who are no longer in relationships, but have remained friends.

I’ll admit, I struggled with this concept for a really long time. How could anyone be friends with someone who chose not to be your intimate partner anymore? Someone who left and broke your heart? I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it…until it happened to me.

In some of my failed relationships, they ended due to volatile, controlling behaviors or cheating. This was with the men and women I’ve dated in my life. Having to heal my heart and get my head back together again after these traumas, took a lot of work. There was no way I was ever going to let that person back into my life again to unravel what I’d worked so hard on healing.

I can tell you from my experiences in dating women; and I know many of you will agree, there is a different level of intimacy and bonding that happens that I’ve never experienced with a man. Women tend to share more. There is a closeness that develops, that I believe we may feel because we are in fact, both women.

Now I will state that I’ve never had any desire to be friends with the women in my life who cheated, who were controlling, or ridiculed me. In my eyes, that is not a person with whom I’d ever want to be friends with. I closed that chapter in my story, and moved on. Memories made and lessons learned. But there are a couple women who I’ve dated where it ended amicably. There was either a loss of connection, or circumstances weren’t in align with what we both wanted, or were ready for. Our lives were just on different paths. This is where I learned the phrase that I’ve heard so often before “We were just better as friends.”

Back in 2019, while I lived in Tennessee, I met a woman I started dating who lived about 1 hour 45 minutes from me. Like many lesbian relationships, it went from 0-60 in record time. I was spending all of my free time with her. It was great in the beginning, but I soon realized that I was the giver in the relationship. I was the one who drove to her every weekend, and sometimes during the week. I did all the activities that she wanted to do, I didn’t let my own wants and needs known due to fear she’d be upset because they didn’t align with her wants and desires. So I slowly lost myself. Let me also add that she had very young children; 7 & 4 years old. My children were 21 & 19. I prefer dating women who have kids. In my experience, there’s a nurturing and understanding there that I’ve never experienced with women who didn’t have children. Even so, the reality was I didn’t want to go through the process of having to raise kids again. I started expressing my need to have some alone time on some weekends, and also to connect with the friends I had made in my new adopted state. This was often a issue as I was seen as not being “in the relationship”. I believe that’s when we both started realizing we had differences that we both wouldn’t budge on. She wanted a full time person who would spend all of their spare moments with her, and I needed some autonomy and a little room to breath.

Fast forward to the arrival of Covid in 2020. We spent 3 straight weeks working from home at her place together with her children, and I knew then we just weren’t compatible. I actually told myself I left to save the relationship, but I never went back. We tried to keep it together via FaceTime and phone calls but it inevitably ended.

How it ended was different from any relationship that I had at the time though. There was a FaceTime call, and she mentioned that the connection between us was lost. That she still had love in her heart for me, cherished what we had, but realized that it was just time to basically pull the plug and end it. I was hurt, and I know it was mainly from rejection, but I was also so relieved. I knew it was supposed to end, but as always, I didn’t want to be the one to hurt the person by making that statement first.

What I’ve come to realize, is this ending was one of the greatest gifts a person has ever given me. It allowed me move back home to be with my children in New Jersey, reunite with old friends, fall in love, and work on creating a life I’ve always imagined.

That doesn’t mean there wasn’t a loss felt from that ending. We agreed to remain friends, but also agreed that no contact was important to allow for healing. We remained Facebook friends and would like each others posts from time to time, exchanged a happy birthday, congratulations on new relationships, and other milestones in our lives, but there wasn’t a friendship, per se.

It was only after a couple years had gone by and a breakup happened with her, that we started to talk more and establish a friendship.

We didn’t hash out old issues that occurred between us, or talk about our past relationship at all other than we had some good experiences and can reflect on them fondly. We started talking to each other like friends; and that is something I can honestly say we never really did when we dated each other. We are so different and often disagree on a multitude of things, but we respect those differences and don’t take them personally as we would’ve if we were in a relationship. This is when I understood how past partners could become friends.

They say that time heals all wounds, and I do believe that to be true. Some relationships end and they are so painful due to timing being off, loss of the routine, or the inability to come together on mutual desires for whatever reason, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that person is out of our life forever. It could very well mean that their space in our lives as an intimate partner wasn’t meant to be, and a friendship is more conducive to the both of you.

The important thing I’ve learned from most of my relationships that have ended, is they were special at one time or another, and if healing can happen and they were a good person, why wouldn’t we want to keep this special person in our life if they still added to it, but on a different level?
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Therapy

October 5th, 2022
One of the greatest acts of self love that I ever gave myself was seeing a therapist.

I remember the first time therapy was suggested to me was by my sister back in 1990. I had just ended a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with my first husband. This relationship was my first love and although it was extremely toxic, I was missing the attention that I received from it; regardless of it being negative. It was a heartbreaking time for me, and in desperation, I relented and made an appointment with a therapist at a local Women’s Center.

At 19, I thought I’d go to a session and tell the therapist what my issue was and they’d have an answer or exercise for me to do and I’d be cured. What I didn’t realize was that this therapist was going to ask common questions like family history, upbringing, etc. When it came time for me to reveal that my mother abandoned me at 1 year old; showing up just a couple times in my life until her suicide when I was 13, I knew I didn’t want to talk about this. Nonetheless, my therapist pressed on, almost shocked at my apathetic and emotionless response. Luckily, my session was about up and she ended with “I think we need to talk about your childhood. That’s where I feel we’ll have some success in getting to the root of the problem.” I told her I agreed. That I’d go home and see when I could schedule another appointment and call her back to set that up. I never did. I was petrified of opening up the vault I had created around my childhood experiences. All my life up until that moment, I was told that my mother was an alcoholic, mentally ill, weak woman who chose to leave her children. She couldn’t handle life, so she took the easy way out. I had such an anger toward her but didn’t show it because in my family you were only allowed to show happy emotions. Crying, sadness and anger were unacceptable and I was quickly shamed, so I just refrained from feeling any of these. I became numb.

Fast forward to the Fall of 1996 when I remarried a wonderfully decent man. He was kind, family oriented, stable and safe. We both wanted kids right away and after a miscarriage in 1997, I was able to give birth to my son, Sean in the Spring of 1998.

Having my son brought me so much joy. A feeling of love that I’d never experienced before. I remember looking at him and thinking to myself, “How in the world could a mother ever leave her child?” I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it. It also exacerbated the anxiety I felt all of my life. I was clueless at how to be a good mother. I was so afraid that I would do something detrimental to my son, from the lack of not having a maternal role model. This is when I decided to give therapy another chance.

I decided to go back to the same Women’s Center I reached out to before. The therapist I spoke with years previously had retired and I was given an appointment with someone who took her place.

This therapist changed my life. I will spare you all of the details where she helped me over the next 10 years. Ten years I spent on/off with this therapist. That may seem like an incredibly long time, but there were many times I only went a few times a year, I’d go for tune-ups, as I called them, and when issues would arise where I needed assistance, I’d go back.

When I moved away from Pennsylvania to New Jersey, I stopped going to therapy. It was an incredibly stressful and busy time in my life that I just felt I had no time for myself anymore. I had just bought a home and was trying to sell another, started back to work full-time after being a stay at home mom of 2 kids now for 10 years, and a lot of my years were just consumed with just being a mom who was in constant motion. Being busy allowed me to avoid many personal issues that were going on. One of which was that I was miserable in my marriage because I knew I was gay.

So what I started doing was applying band-aids to these issues. I started drinking. Binge drinking specifically. Drinking made me forget why I was sad. When I was drinking with friends, I was numbing out. Always laughing about anything in the moment and just having an all around great time…until I’d get home. Then I was miserable again. Several years of doing this took it’s toll on me. What turned into one night on a weekend drinking, turned into 2-4 days a week. I knew I had a problem. And I wanted to change.

I wish I could tell you that I went back to therapy right away when I had this realization, but I did not. What I did do was go back to old journals I’d written, books I’d read previously and realized I needed to change. I stopped drinking for a while, started working out, and eventually came out. Although I was caring for myself in some ways, I was neglecting myself in others.

I suffered from extreme guilt at breaking up my family. My kids were displaying signs of depression and anxiety that I thought was the direct result of my actions, and I was in a relationship with a woman who turned out to be abusive and controlling. I thought it was time to try therapy again.

I saw a different therapist this time. And she really made me start to work on loving myself. Putting me first didn’t mean I was selfish. It meant I wanted to be the best version of myself so that I could offer that to others. I have read so much over the years about self-love that I really didn’t have an exact definition or understanding of what that meant until recently. I work on achieving this daily. It’s a very tough task for me and I fall of the wagon from time to time. I understand the term people-pleaser all too well. Especially when it would come to relationships.

Because of being abandoned, and my subsequent needs not being met by my father throughout the remainder of my childhood into adulthood, I have brought these fears with me into other relationships. It has also made me select partners with whom I tend to form trauma bonds. I felt needed by those who made me their savior, and rescued by those who swore to be the things I never received as a child. This lead to me denying myself of my own wants and needs at the expense of theirs.

This. Does. Not. Work.

Getting back to therapy made me explicitly aware of this once again. I need to love myself. And I need to surround myself with others who have this same mindset. Those who can not love themselves enough to face their fears, make significant changes that will better their lives or those of their loved ones, will never know how to fully love another. We must first show ourselves this empathy, compassion, and forgiveness before we can ever offer this to another. I know there are some people out there that say therapy does not work for them. In all honesty, I believe it’s not that therapy doesn’t work for them, but that they haven’t found the right therapist. Sometimes it takes seeing some different ones, before you find the best fit for you.

Therapy is difficult. You are asked to talk about uncomfortable things. Things that you purposefully avoid. It breaks down walls that you’ve so carefully constructed over the years. No one really wants to go to therapy or enjoys it, but I believe it’s an important part of growth. A therapist will hold you accountable…something that we can’t always do for ourselves.
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Self Care

September 20th, 2022
I decided to follow the theme of self care as my topic for this week. It’s something that I’ve done a lot of since I’ve come out, but from time to time, happens to fall by the wayside as events unfold in my life.

I’ve written previously that as women, our society tends to glorify us who can do it all. “Wow! You’re such a great Mom. You work, take care of your husband and kids, all while maintaining a home. Superwoman!”

I was once that woman. Although I was very fortunate to stay home with my kids for about 10 years, I was still very active in maintaining a home, kids activities, portraying the outward appearance of having the absolute perfect life that some would envy. Unbeknowst to others, I was slowly withering away. Everything I did was for everyone else but myself.

When I came out I heard all of the usual lines… “How could you be so selfish?” “What about your kids? Husband?” “What will people think?” Not one person asked “How are you feeling through all of this? How is this change affecting you?” It didn’t matter how I felt to others. I was the cause of the disruption and change, so if I was suffering then it was justified.

I took on this guilt for a couple of years after I left. I was also slowly accepting that I was deserving of happiness too. I started to concentrate on my health. Not masking my pain with food and alcohol. Acknowledging the hurt and feeling it. The regrets. The heartaches. The disappointments. It was not an easy time at all, but for once I wanted to do something for myself that was my decision.

The first fear I faced was doing things by myself. There was a time when I would never go anywhere by myself. I wanted to discover so many places and start new activities but was always so scared to do them alone. At 42, I decided if I wanted to be a better version of myself, I needed to face these fears and step out of my comfort zone. So I did.

I started driving downtown to Center City Philadelphia, PA. Visiting museums, small towns, sipping coffee in cafes, and hiking the local trails. Taking myself out to eat and to the movies. I started running, mountain biking, indoor rock climbing, kayaking, weight lifting, and traveling. All by myself. I was discovering what I liked because for the longest time, I did what everyone else wanted. I had no idea what I truly was interested in, so I did a lot.

Due to some knee issues, I’ve had to give up a few of these activities, but I still try new things because I believe we are ever evolving beings. If something no longer interests or serves us, then we have the right to cease doing it or make a change.

The main benefit I’ve gained from discovering my autonomy, is that I can trust myself. That my actions are enough. If I make a mistake while doing anything that was my sole decision (and believe me, I’ve made plenty) I will be OK. Nothing has killed me yet. This does not mean that I live without regret from some of my actions, or suffer from hurt now and again. I’m human. It’s unrealistic to have a well lived life thinking that you can maneuver without having some ups and downs. How else do we learn lessons? Become better people? How can we stand with our arms raised high, exhausted but beaming as we’re finally at the top of the mountain, without looking back and seeing all of the places we fell down but had the strength to just get back up again?

We. I. You. Have the same abilities as the next person who is living the life they want. Chose to do it. Your mind is a powerful tool that can either work against you, or for you. Feed it with positivity to achieve the life YOU deserve and get out there and LIVE.
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Starting Over

September 12th, 2022
There comes a time in life when we come to an impasse and we’re faced with the uncertainty of how to move forward. Suddenly we have to make decisions that are so out of our comfort zone and downright frightening. This starting over process is especially true for women who have come out later in life. It can be so disruptive and foreign to what we’re used to, but the reality is in order for change to take place, change has to happen. Sometimes this means abandoning everything you’ve ever known. Having to learn things you never thought were possible, feeling emotions you never knew existed, and unintentionally hurting people you love.

Whether it’s the end of a marriage, job, friendship or relationship, it’s important to understand that starting over isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When we’re in this type of situation, sometimes we become so overcome with the difficulty of change, that we fear making a move. We become paralyzed with fear and tend to focus solely on every negative outcome that could possibly happen. This is when it’s important to take a look at all factors of the situation and see how your life would actually benefit from these changes.

For those coming out, it’s not as clear to some as just acknowledging your sexual preference and living a life as a gay person. There are kids, finances, spouses, friends, co-workers, among others that we have to deal with in this process. It’s not easy by any stretch, but it is absolutely possible.

Ending something is painful. There has to be a mourning process. No matter if the decisions were made by you or decided jointly. I remember feeling extreme sadness and guilt when I decided to split up my family, but I also gained myself. I learned to listen to my needs and not push them aside. I was still able to be a mother, friend and coworker; and I became better at it when I started owning and living my truth.

Sometimes you may question if what you did was the right choice. Seeing the disruption in my family’s life certainly made me take a step back and pose that question, but I always came back to the same answer; I was slowly dying inside and my mental, emotional and physical health deteriorating as a result of it. Then my question was “Is this the example I want for my children?” Absolutely not.

The truth is my marriage didn’t solely end because I was gay. We were two completely different people. I wanted someone to challenge me on all levels, and he just was not made that way. That’s not a bad thing, but it wasn’t what I wanted in my life anymore. Put simply, I wanted to start living a life that was more conducive to my desires, instead of for everyone else.

When we want change, it’s mainly because we feel something just isn’t right for us. Many of us never make the effort to do anything about it because fear is more powerful than staying in what you already know. Although we may be sad, angry, feel uninspired or hopeless in a situation, we are in it and experiencing it in the present. We know exactly what’s going on and have developed ways to cope that have worked. If we change, we don’t know what the outcome will be, so we conjure up all the horrible negative things that could happen as a result of our actions; never making a move to change. This reminds me of a favorite quote… “There is freedom waiting for you on the breezes of the sky, and you ask, What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?”

I am one who likes to know the outcome. Always have been this way, and it’s something I struggle with continually. Seldom do I just live in the present moment and just enjoy it. I want to be prepared for several different outcomes should they arise. This is definitely a direct result of my childhood where unpredictability was highly prevalent. Over the years I’ve conditioned myself to be prepared in case things didn’t go the way they were planned, and if people didn’t follow through on what they said. I don’t want to be surprised and shocked by an outcome that I didn’t have a plan for. What I’ve learned from this though, is that instead of enjoying the moments as their occurring, I’m diminishing them by thinking of how they will end and how I’ll overcome that. Like I said, this is something that I work on to this day. And it brings me right back to the reason for this post. Endings aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Different directions aren’t failures. Unknown paths aren’t the result of bad planning. All of this just clears the path for something new and possibly better for you as you grow.

Growth is important to live a fulfilling life. If we become stagnant, how can we ever know the greatness that lies ahead? And I say that with certainty…Greatness that lies ahead, because in every change I’ve made in my life, there was a greatness hidden somewhere along the way. Every step wasn’t pure bliss and didn’t come without some pain, disappointment and misfortune, but the growth from the experience pushed me further to my own personal greatness. I’m pretty good at learning lessons from missteps. And to be extremely honest, sometimes I made the same missteps a couple times, due to falling back into what’s comfortable. But eventually I get it. The lightbulb finally goes off for me and I have that aha moment where I stop, reflect and tell myself, “OK, I see it now. What can I do differently next time?”

The great thing about this life we’ve been given, is we have the incredible ability to make our own reality. Nothing is ever impossible when you think about it. It’s all just a matter of perspective. It’s not easy. It’s incredibly fucking hard, but at any given moment we can concoct a plan to start over. It’s amazingly simple really. You just have to want it bad enough. I know for myself, I’ve started over more times than I’ve wanted to, but do you see the message here? I started again. I didn’t stop. Be constantly reaching for what you want. Eventually you will land in your desired place. And if there ever comes a time where that doesn’t serve you anymore, you have the ability to recreate and start another uncharted path.

“This might not be an easy time
There’s rivers to cross and hills to climb
And some days we might fall apart
And some nights might feel cold and dark
But nobody wins afraid of losing
And the hard roads are the ones worth choosing
Some day we’ll look back and smile
And know it was worth every mile”
Chris Stapleton Starting Over
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Unconditional Love

September 5th, 2022
I’ve heard a lot about this term my entire life. Particularly when it comes to family and a life partner.

Looking up various examples of what this meaning is, I’ve found that it’s mainly defined as “to offer love freely with no preset conditions, expectations or payment of love in return.”

But how realistic is that?

When it comes to my children, I would have to say that I’m pretty damn near close to having this type of love for them.

There’s something about that maternal bond that seems to grow stronger the more time has passed. If I let my brain go off on a tangent, I could think of some awful things my kids could do that could make me not like them very much, but I don’t think I would ever stop loving them. That to me is unconditional love. The love that endures and is constant throughout time.

When I first started dating way back in high school, I remember having these romantic notions of what love should be. And unconditional love was a term I would often say and profess to my partners. That led to some really dysfunctional emotions and excessive heartache. The truth is, constant hurt can diminish love between two people who have come together by choice. Resentments form, hurtful words continue to replay in our minds. We can not expect to keep love alive, when we’re assuming it will always be there.

What I’ve learned, is that when it comes to a relationship there must be conditions established between both parties in order for it to work, be fulfilling, and grow.

I can not expect to treat or be treated by my partner with disrespect, withhold emotions, take out anger, and expect to have that love still be there.

If I want a fulfilling, long lasting, loving relationship, I must put conditions on my love. Set boundaries. Mend past indiscretions, and learn from mistakes.

This does not mean withholding love. Quite the opposite. It means discovering what is needed from our loved ones to create, sustain and grow love and getting the same in return.

Love is such an amazing gift that costs absolutely nothing. We can give it, receive it, but it’s also fragile and must be handled with care and nurtured, much like a child in order for it be healthy and grow.

Conditional love is not something we just want to give to others. It’s required for ourselves as well.

Learning to love and respect ourselves, and quiet self deprecating talk, will ultimately teach us to expand that onto others. It’s a constant practice though; one that isn’t easy by any stretch, but loving just feels so much better than hate. And that’s what keeps me pushing on.
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Happiness

August 28th, 2022
Wanting to reclaim my happiness again was a huge part of me coming out. I had many years where I put that aside for several reasons, and was in a constant battle in my mind over what I felt was right and what others wanted me to do.

I recently finished the book The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. If any of you have not read it and are looking to expand on your personal growth, I strongly suggest it.

After having a relatively horrible month, I decided to read this book as was suggested by a friend, as well as hearing about it on a podcast. I had seen some unhealthy patterns arise in me that I was not happy about and knew that I needed help in getting back on track, and to learn why I was once again, falling victim to these ways.

In this book, there were so many topics that stopped me in my tracks and made me feel incredibly overcome with sadness and grief, mainly because they rang so true to how I was living.

The one that stuck out the most was the only way to experience happiness to its fullest, was to have your heart open. Because it’s been a really trying time for me emotionally, I told myself I just needed to stop feeling so much. I wanted to close it up so very tightly, to keep out any pain from ever affecting me again.

I started to think back to the days before I had kids and how strong I was emotionally, or so I thought. I never cried. Nothing could rock me. It didn’t matter what someone did, I could separate those feelings of hurt and tuck them away and not think twice about it.

What really happened is I was hardening my heart. I had a dark soul. I disliked myself, and therefore had no idea how to like or love others. I had mastered the art of sweeping my emotions under the rug so well as a child and teenager, that when I lost my mother to suicide at the age 13, I felt completely numb to it. Never shed a tear and didn’t mourn her death until almost 14 years later. I was raised to not cry. My father equated tears with physical pain and often mentioned if my sisters and I cried “that he’d give us something to cry about”, insinuating that we’d get a whooping if we didn’t stop. This is where I learned that happy emotions were OK to share outwardly, but anything sorrowful needed to be kept inside.

The avoidance of expressing many sad experiences of my adolescence caused me to become so very angry and develop severe anxiety.

It was only when I became pregnant with my son did I decide to go to therapy to learn how to change. Thank goodness I had the sense to realize I was terribly flawed, and had no idea how to be a good mother. I had to be taught.

This brings me to my topic of happiness. When I was in therapy, I learned I had surface happiness. You know the kind, the upbeat positive face you show your friends, family, and co-workers, but deep down inside I was so very sad. I hurt so much. This is where the work had to begin to get to the happiness that was on the other side. I had to look under the rug at all the stuff I had swept under there. It was a long, brutal process.

Many years of therapy helped me to deal with all that unpleasant stuff. It was excruciating at times. The hurt so immense, but then I started to realize something. My heart was growing. I felt lighter, happier. Simple things brought me joy instead of anger. I could breathe calmly and not be filled with constant anxiety. I learned that feeling the hurtful things was OK. That these feelings didn’t have to stay with or consume me. I could acknowledge that the unpleasant things happened and were a part of my life, but they didn’t have to linger inside of me. I learned the art of acceptance and letting go.

Just because I had learned this doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments where I forget and want to go back to what’s easiest; not facing the pain. But carrying that is a really heavy load that I worked so hard at overcoming, that I just can’t go back to that dark place, no matter how painful life gets.

I’ve always said that life is a series of balances; you can’t have extreme highs without deep lows. In fact, I believe in order to experience the joy to its fullest, you have to break through the despair and feeling that intensely in order to bask in the feelings of love and happiness.
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Codependency

August 23rd, 2022
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, codependency is defined as “a psychological condition or a relationship in which low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another person and places the needs of that person before his or her own.”

There are so many ways that a person can become codependent, and often times not even realizing they are. As a child, I can remember having to present myself in a certain way and behave according to how others wanted me to be. Being a child, I felt like I didn’t have much of a say in the matter, but being groomed from a young age to put others feelings, wants and needs ahead of my own, sets up a foundation of codependency for my formative years. What happened is I would repeatedly seek out others opinions and approval instead of trusting my own judgment. If my opinion was different, I would have to hear why it was wrong and basically suffer the repercussions of being different. When this happened, over time I just learned to go with the majority as to not upset anyone; neglecting my own sense of self.

As a woman I believe this is more prevalent than it is with men. I was raised in a family that had gender specific roles, and was taught traits and behaviors that my gender should adhere to. Men were typically strong, stoic and the breadwinners of the family. Cold and distant with their emotions, and worked a lot of hours outside of the home. The women were homemakers; raising children, cooking meals and cleaning the house. Keeping the peace and quiet even though they weren’t content, because the men were the ones who gave us a safe place to live and food on the table. We women should be grateful.

I could take you through the stages of my youth, adolescence and early adulthood that would give you an enormous amount of examples that show just how this codependency fit so easily into my life., but I’d be here for a very long time. There was a time when I couldn’t even make a decision without conferring with a relative first. I always felt the need for others approval and never trusted my own judgement.

This is why I never chose to come out earlier than I did. I never wanted to disappoint anyone, especially my parents. Repeatedly being told that I’d be disowned if I was gay, was certainly a way to keep anyone in the closet.

Wanting to be accepted and loved was a constant struggle for me growing up. My mother abandoned my older sister and I when I was one year old, so already I had a key component for codependency due to this. I felt as though I had to be exactly what my family wanted me to be so that they wouldn’t leave also.

That being said, let me point out that I was not the model child. I had a stubborn streak, anger issues, and would have moments where I wouldn’t talk to anyone for days. I joke around and tell people that I was grounded from the age of 13 until I moved out at 17, but it’s not all that far-fetched. I was always in trouble mostly for speaking my mind and questioning my parents authority. Nonetheless, this rebellious teenager wanted to be accepted, so I eventually developed that codependency with my peers.

Being a teenager in the 80’s and in a rural town, I didn’t see or know of any gay people, so I played the part of a straight girl really well. Conformed to all of what was socially acceptable and even won the acceptance of my parents by settling down and marrying a great guy.

When you are used to being the outcast, and then suddenly you start doing all the things that your family wants you to do and they start treating you nicer, it can be so rewarding. Here I was, married to a guy whom my parents loved, bought a house, nice car, attending all the usual family functions, etc…I’ll admit it was really nice there for a while.

I don’t think a child ever wants to disappoint their parents. And I did not want to disappoint my father. He and I developed a bond over hunting that none of my other sisters did. That made me feel special and wanted. The first sign of me letting go of some of that codependency was right before I had my son and I decided to no longer partake in what I thought was an unkind act. My father was disappointed, and I saw our relationship change from that moment on. Suddenly we didn’t really have anything to bond us anymore.

But what happens when you start to live for other people’s happiness and not your own? Constantly being the giver and never setting boundaries? I started to become extremely depressed and resentful. What I didn’t realize was that a lifetime of people pleasing was ingrained in me. I saw how I did this within my marriage too. Just settling for whatever just to keep the peace. With friends and family members; always asking for their approval and opinions and considering them over mine.

That resentment, anger and depression within me finally reached a point where I broke. The older I got, the more I realized I wasn’t living my life. How fair was that? How many people came to me and asked what my opinions were about their lives and adhered to it? I couldn’t think of any. That’s when I started to slowly stop living for those people and start living for me. Of course I had children that I sacrificed for, but no longer my entire self. When I decided to come out, is when I gave up a lot of that codependency. I set boundaries., spoke openly about what was important to me and my children. I no longer had any concern for what other people thought. I was finally going to take control of my life.

I lost some friends. Distances developed within my family, but I gained myself. I was called selfish and irresponsible for breaking up my family. That I was sick and mentally ill. Only a few saw that my actions had actually saved my life and made this depressed, scared, anxiety ridden, self-destructive shell of a woman, breathe a sigh of relief and feel like she had been reborn.

I believe we all have forms of codependency in our lives. I still do. But I believe I broke free from the most destructive and constraining ones that were not allowing me to fully live. Breaking free from this behavior is extremely hard to do, as it’s learned behavior typically over a long period of time.

There’s an old myth that you may have heard about; the boiling frog. The story goes if you place a frog in a pot of boiling water it will instantly leap out. But if you put it in a pot filled with tepid water and gradually increase the heat, the frog will remain in the water until it boils to death.

Sometimes we become so accustomed to neglecting ourselves and pleasing others, that we don’t recognize when our own needs aren’t being met.

We’re all free to live the life we want. The life we deserve. Sometimes it’s not easy. It takes work and the ability to change. And change my friends is extremely scary, but not impossible. And SO very worth it!
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Tag: questioning sexuality

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