Whenever I decided to come out there was a question that arose from several friends and family members. “What about your kids?” This was also in addition to me telling them about me wanting a divorce. The double whammy. Not only am I divorcing my kind, hard-working husband and father of my children, but I’m gay. What could possibly be worse? The trauma that I’m going to instill in my children was apparent on my parents faces and heard in their unapproving words. Some friends even voiced their disgust. “How could I be so selfish?”
The truth is, I felt so incredibly selfish. And guilty. I had also reached a point in my life that I felt I could no longer survive if I continued to live in this make believe life. Sure my ex-husband was a great guy, but we never had the intimacy that I longed for. The deep conversations, the feeling like he understood me. The physical part as well. I remember when I would talk to him years prior to coming out, about how I wasn’t happy and I felt like we were just two mismatched souls, his response was that we needed to have more sex. I found this incredibly interesting, as I was the more sexual person in our relationship; always initiating, only to be turned down the majority of the time. Such a complex situation. On one hand I was relieved because I didn’t really enjoy sex all that much. I won’t say it was awful, but I craved intimacy and physical touch. It’s my love language, and I felt that the only time I had this with my ex-husband was when we were having sex. Sometimes I just wanted to feel wanted and have someone touch me softly. What was happening as the years went on, is that I was increasingly becoming more and more upset by having no emotional attachment to those physical feelings. I knew I was capable of giving and receiving more, and I was so very depressed by this feeling of unachievable longing.
It’s true what I’ve read in several books and articles about allowing your kids, and other people in your life to have as much time as needed to process all of this. The reality is, most times the person who decides to leave has had months or years to process it all, so when it’s time to tell the other spouse, kids, family and friends, we have to be cognizant of the fact that this is their beginning. I’ve already gone through the acceptance phase. That’s not to say that my grieving ended when I came to this realization. Different situations arose, and brought on more surprising feelings of hurt and despair.
When I told my kids their father and I were getting divorced, I did not mention I was gay. I also did not disclose this to my ex-husband at the time either. I truly felt that was only part of the reason for our split. I have been asked many times if I would’ve stayed together with him had I not been gay, and my answer has always been no. Refer back to the previous paragraphs in this post. I wanted more from a relationship than I was getting.
Both of my kids took the news of the divorce rather well. Although their father and I never fought or raised our voices, there was always a sense of tension in the home, and they mentioned this when we broke the divorce news to them. Kids are more intuitive than we give them credit for. My ex-husband and I made a pact to make this split as painless and less disruptive for the kids as possible. Of course there were tough moments from the split, and from what I chalk up to just being teenagers; my kids were 15 & 13 when the separation happened.
Leading up to my telling the kids I was gay, there were some moments where my daughter would become so very sad and ask if there was any chance me and her father could stay together. It broke my heart when I’d continually tell her no, but that we would always be there for her and her brother. I knew the time was going to have to come soon that I tell my kids the other reason why their parents couldn’t stay together.
I wish my story of telling my kids and ex-husband that I was gay, was a more uniform, perfectly planned out disclosure. I envisioned telling them together, but sometimes in life things do not go as planned.
Approximately 3 months after breaking the news of the split to just about everyone, I had been conversing with a woman, mainly via text. My daughter sensed something was up and unbeknownst to me, watched over my shoulder me entering the passcode on my phone. She found texts from this person whose name is an androgynous one, and confronted me. She wanted to know who this person was, and was I leaving her dad for “him”. As my heart sank and seemed to jump right into my throat, I knew now was the time I had to tell her. All I will say about that private conversation, is that I learned in that moment that my ex-husband and I had raised her right. She was kind, compassionate, and empathetic…all at the tender and volatile age of 13. Telling my ex-husband and my son was now imperative.
There is nothing like having a dreadful conversation knowing that you can’t put it off. I did not want my daughter to have to hold onto that information, so I asked to speak to my ex-husband as quickly as possible. I remember sitting down on the couch shaking, crying, and just trying so desperately to find the right words. I finally just said “I have something to tell you and you’re probably going to be shocked. I’m gay”. He looked at me, shook his head and said “That makes a lot of sense.” I assured him all of the things that many of us late in lifers do like “It wasn’t anything you did. I just always felt this way.” He hugged me, but only because I approached him and asked if we could. We never talked about it again.
My son came home shortly after that and I told him in his room, using the same opening line I did with his father. His reaction was typical for him; calm, cool, and reserved. He asked if I was happy. I said yes. “Well, that’s all that matters. I love you. You’re still my Mom.” And then he asked if we cold order pizza.
The road after coming out has been fairly smooth for me. I’ve heard a lot of stories where that is not the case, and it hurts my heart. I do realize how very fortunate I am. One thing I’ve also realized is that those who didn’t approve fell by the wayside. I quickly found out who my real family and friends were, and I hold them close.
The most important piece of me owning my truth is that my kids see their mother and father happier than they ever were. That they can choose their path, even if it’s not the expected one. They’re never stuck. They can be exactly who they want to be. To me, that is a precious lesson that I take great pride in having taught them, even though the road to getting to the destination was a little rocky.
Coming Out Clueless 