According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, codependency is defined as “a psychological condition or a relationship in which low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another person and places the needs of that person before his or her own.”
There are so many ways that a person can become codependent, and often times not even realizing they are. As a child, I can remember having to present myself in a certain way and behave according to how others wanted me to be. Being a child, I felt like I didn’t have much of a say in the matter, but being groomed from a young age to put others feelings, wants and needs ahead of my own, sets up a foundation of codependency for my formative years. What happened is I would repeatedly seek out others opinions and approval instead of trusting my own judgment. If my opinion was different, I would have to hear why it was wrong and basically suffer the repercussions of being different. When this happened, over time I just learned to go with the majority as to not upset anyone; neglecting my own sense of self.
As a woman I believe this is more prevalent than it is with men. I was raised in a family that had gender specific roles, and was taught traits and behaviors that my gender should adhere to. Men were typically strong, stoic and the breadwinners of the family. Cold and distant with their emotions, and worked a lot of hours outside of the home. The women were homemakers; raising children, cooking meals and cleaning the house. Keeping the peace and quiet even though they weren’t content, because the men were the ones who gave us a safe place to live and food on the table. We women should be grateful.
I could take you through the stages of my youth, adolescence and early adulthood that would give you an enormous amount of examples that show just how this codependency fit so easily into my life., but I’d be here for a very long time. There was a time when I couldn’t even make a decision without conferring with a relative first. I always felt the need for others approval and never trusted my own judgement.
This is why I never chose to come out earlier than I did. I never wanted to disappoint anyone, especially my parents. Repeatedly being told that I’d be disowned if I was gay, was certainly a way to keep anyone in the closet.
Wanting to be accepted and loved was a constant struggle for me growing up. My mother abandoned my older sister and I when I was one year old, so already I had a key component for codependency due to this. I felt as though I had to be exactly what my family wanted me to be so that they wouldn’t leave also.
That being said, let me point out that I was not the model child. I had a stubborn streak, anger issues, and would have moments where I wouldn’t talk to anyone for days. I joke around and tell people that I was grounded from the age of 13 until I moved out at 17, but it’s not all that far-fetched. I was always in trouble mostly for speaking my mind and questioning my parents authority. Nonetheless, this rebellious teenager wanted to be accepted, so I eventually developed that codependency with my peers.
Being a teenager in the 80’s and in a rural town, I didn’t see or know of any gay people, so I played the part of a straight girl really well. Conformed to all of what was socially acceptable and even won the acceptance of my parents by settling down and marrying a great guy.
When you are used to being the outcast, and then suddenly you start doing all the things that your family wants you to do and they start treating you nicer, it can be so rewarding. Here I was, married to a guy whom my parents loved, bought a house, nice car, attending all the usual family functions, etc…I’ll admit it was really nice there for a while.
I don’t think a child ever wants to disappoint their parents. And I did not want to disappoint my father. He and I developed a bond over hunting that none of my other sisters did. That made me feel special and wanted. The first sign of me letting go of some of that codependency was right before I had my son and I decided to no longer partake in what I thought was an unkind act. My father was disappointed, and I saw our relationship change from that moment on. Suddenly we didn’t really have anything to bond us anymore.
But what happens when you start to live for other people’s happiness and not your own? Constantly being the giver and never setting boundaries? I started to become extremely depressed and resentful. What I didn’t realize was that a lifetime of people pleasing was ingrained in me. I saw how I did this within my marriage too. Just settling for whatever just to keep the peace. With friends and family members; always asking for their approval and opinions and considering them over mine.
That resentment, anger and depression within me finally reached a point where I broke. The older I got, the more I realized I wasn’t living my life. How fair was that? How many people came to me and asked what my opinions were about their lives and adhered to it? I couldn’t think of any. That’s when I started to slowly stop living for those people and start living for me. Of course I had children that I sacrificed for, but no longer my entire self. When I decided to come out, is when I gave up a lot of that codependency. I set boundaries., spoke openly about what was important to me and my children. I no longer had any concern for what other people thought. I was finally going to take control of my life.
I lost some friends. Distances developed within my family, but I gained myself. I was called selfish and irresponsible for breaking up my family. That I was sick and mentally ill. Only a few saw that my actions had actually saved my life and made this depressed, scared, anxiety ridden, self-destructive shell of a woman, breathe a sigh of relief and feel like she had been reborn.
I believe we all have forms of codependency in our lives. I still do. But I believe I broke free from the most destructive and constraining ones that were not allowing me to fully live. Breaking free from this behavior is extremely hard to do, as it’s learned behavior typically over a long period of time.
There’s an old myth that you may have heard about; the boiling frog. The story goes if you place a frog in a pot of boiling water it will instantly leap out. But if you put it in a pot filled with tepid water and gradually increase the heat, the frog will remain in the water until it boils to death.
Sometimes we become so accustomed to neglecting ourselves and pleasing others, that we don’t recognize when our own needs aren’t being met.
We’re all free to live the life we want. The life we deserve. Sometimes it’s not easy. It takes work and the ability to change. And change my friends is extremely scary, but not impossible. And SO very worth it!
Coming Out Clueless 