WOW! It’s been such a long time since I wrote in my blog, so I’m just going to get straight to the point of my post today.
Polyamory. Yes! Polyamory. It’s a topic that is often filled with uneasiness, fear and even revulsion when brought up, and I can understand why it has such a bad connotation. From birth, most of us were raised by heterosexual parents who practiced monogamy. Everywhere you look, monogamy is fed to us as the norm. Through television, movies, magazines, our family and friends, we are a society that sees being in love with one sole partner as the relationship goal in order for our lives to feel fulfilled and complete.
I wanted to share my story of how I decided to give polyamory a chance. How it enhanced my life, and to possibly shed some light onto a taboo subject that many may not know too much about.
If you’ve read any of my other posts you know that I was raised to believe in the relationship escalator; we meet a person of the opposite sex with whom we connect with, date for a while, get engaged or move in together, marry, have kids, buy a house, and just live the American dream. That’s what I thought I wanted, and at one time there was a part of me that was quite content living that life. Until I wasn’t. Tired and depressed of pushing away my sexuality is when I came out at the age of 42.
When I look back on this time, I must say that it wasn’t as difficult as I’ve heard that some others were having. I had a great support system in my family and friends, who didn’t question my realization, and loved me the same.
During this time of coming out, I was on a mission to fulfill that same need of finding that one person to be in a relationship with. I wanted so badly to share an emotional and physical bond with someone. I’ll save a lot of time by just saying that after many failed relationships with women, and the latest one ending one year after living together in 2024, I decided I didn’t want to do things the same way that I had in past relationships. This whole being someones everything, and expecting them to be mine was just too much on my heart. I was tired of the controlling and jealous behaviors that I experienced in every same sex relationship I’ve had. I just needed a break from my normal approach.
After that break up in 2024, I wanted nothing to do with a relationship or even dating. I wanted to take some time for myself. Figure out what it was that truly made me happy and just pursue that. I started to work on a farm for a few months, reconnected with friends, and really enjoyed some “me” time.
As a few months went by, I decided to get on the dating apps to “date”. I missed that form of human connection and to be honest, mostly the physical one. I’d never really dated before, and was adamant about doing so this time. I wanted to meet people and see what connections could be made, without the worry of following any societal norm of being in a relationship. I had also been reading quite a bit on Polyamory, specifically solo poly which is what I found to be the most appealing to me.
I met A on a dating site. She is married, has a girlfriend in another state, but also living solo poly; a form of non-monogamy where individuals can have multiple intimate relationships while prioritizing their own individuality and autonomy. At first I thought maybe I’d have some issues with jealousy, but after much introspection I learned my feelings of hurt and abandonment all came from the broken promises, lies and betrayal within my monogamous relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, jealousy definitely exists in the polyamory world. It’s a normal emotion. The difference is how the jealousy is dealt with. It’s about having emotionally healthy conversations. An acceptance and assurance that we’re still important in each others lives. A knowing that just because we share a connection with another person, doesn’t mean we lose the connection we have with each other. There is enough room to hold space and love for more than one person. Once I first experienced jealousy with A, I immediately made it known and we talked about it in such an adult manner, that when I think back to that day it brings tears to my eyes. Despite those feelings being so difficult to admit, there was an acceptance from her that it was OK to feel this way. It made me feel seen and heard in a way I never had in my previous relationships. Being able to show up as myself has allowed me to explore more meaningful connections, which has lead to my other love, E. The same level of emotional depth and true desire to see me happy exists in both of my girlfriends. It’s quite refreshing and wonderful and I feel very fortunate every single day to be able to share my life with them.
I get asked various questions regarding my new found relationship dynamic. With many comments being profoundly negative because it’s not for them, or that I’m just afraid to settle down or commit to one person again. I can understand someone not comprehending how a 54 year old goes from being solely monogamous all of their adult life, to just a little over one year being non-monogamous. As I’ve lived my life after I’ve come out, I’ve learned that if something isn’t working, then I need to change it. Monogamy was not working for me. The heaviness of having to mend myself emotionally and financially after each failed union was something I didn’t have in me anymore. The past year has been amazing for me emotionally. I’ve grown in ways I never imagined. Loved in ways I never thought was possible, and opened myself up to nonconformity that helps me be more compassionate and understanding to others.
I’ve always known I have a big heart. I also know that it was taken for granted and abused. Loving in this way has allowed me to respect my own wants and needs more than ever. There are so many ways to do polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy, so my views are not the rule. As long as I do what works between me and my partners then that’s all the acceptance I need. It’s also not easy. It takes a tremendous amount of emotional intelligence and communication with all parties. Due to this, I believe this is where my growth happens, as well as within my relationships with my partners.
Coming Out Clueless 