Category: Lifestyle

I decided to follow the theme of self care as my topic for this week. It’s something that I’ve done a lot of since I’ve come out, but from time to time, happens to fall by the wayside as events unfold in my life.

I’ve written previously that as women, our society tends to glorify us who can do it all. “Wow! You’re such a great Mom. You work, take care of your husband and kids, all while maintaining a home. Superwoman!”

I was once that woman. Although I was very fortunate to stay home with my kids for about 10 years, I was still very active in maintaining a home, kids activities, portraying the outward appearance of having the absolute perfect life that some would envy. Unbeknowst to others, I was slowly withering away. Everything I did was for everyone else but myself.

When I came out I heard all of the usual lines… “How could you be so selfish?” “What about your kids? Husband?” “What will people think?” Not one person asked “How are you feeling through all of this? How is this change affecting you?” It didn’t matter how I felt to others. I was the cause of the disruption and change, so if I was suffering then it was justified.

I took on this guilt for a couple of years after I left. I was also slowly accepting that I was deserving of happiness too. I started to concentrate on my health. Not masking my pain with food and alcohol. Acknowledging the hurt and feeling it. The regrets. The heartaches. The disappointments. It was not an easy time at all, but for once I wanted to do something for myself that was my decision.

The first fear I faced was doing things by myself. There was a time when I would never go anywhere by myself. I wanted to discover so many places and start new activities but was always so scared to do them alone. At 42, I decided if I wanted to be a better version of myself, I needed to face these fears and step out of my comfort zone. So I did.

I started driving downtown to Center City Philadelphia, PA. Visiting museums, small towns, sipping coffee in cafes, and hiking the local trails. Taking myself out to eat and to the movies. I started running, mountain biking, indoor rock climbing, kayaking, weight lifting, and traveling. All by myself. I was discovering what I liked because for the longest time, I did what everyone else wanted. I had no idea what I truly was interested in, so I did a lot.

Due to some knee issues, I’ve had to give up a few of these activities, but I still try new things because I believe we are ever evolving beings. If something no longer interests or serves us, then we have the right to cease doing it or make a change.

The main benefit I’ve gained from discovering my autonomy, is that I can trust myself. That my actions are enough. If I make a mistake while doing anything that was my sole decision (and believe me, I’ve made plenty) I will be OK. Nothing has killed me yet. This does not mean that I live without regret from some of my actions, or suffer from hurt now and again. I’m human. It’s unrealistic to have a well lived life thinking that you can maneuver without having some ups and downs. How else do we learn lessons? Become better people? How can we stand with our arms raised high, exhausted but beaming as we’re finally at the top of the mountain, without looking back and seeing all of the places we fell down but had the strength to just get back up again?

We. I. You. Have the same abilities as the next person who is living the life they want. Chose to do it. Your mind is a powerful tool that can either work against you, or for you. Feed it with positivity to achieve the life YOU deserve and get out there and LIVE.

There comes a time in life when we come to an impasse and we’re faced with the uncertainty of how to move forward. Suddenly we have to make decisions that are so out of our comfort zone and downright frightening. This starting over process is especially true for women who have come out later in life. It can be so disruptive and foreign to what we’re used to, but the reality is in order for change to take place, change has to happen. Sometimes this means abandoning everything you’ve ever known. Having to learn things you never thought were possible, feeling emotions you never knew existed, and unintentionally hurting people you love.

Whether it’s the end of a marriage, job, friendship or relationship, it’s important to understand that starting over isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When we’re in this type of situation, sometimes we become so overcome with the difficulty of change, that we fear making a move. We become paralyzed with fear and tend to focus solely on every negative outcome that could possibly happen. This is when it’s important to take a look at all factors of the situation and see how your life would actually benefit from these changes.

For those coming out, it’s not as clear to some as just acknowledging your sexual preference and living a life as a gay person. There are kids, finances, spouses, friends, co-workers, among others that we have to deal with in this process. It’s not easy by any stretch, but it is absolutely possible.

Ending something is painful. There has to be a mourning process. No matter if the decisions were made by you or decided jointly. I remember feeling extreme sadness and guilt when I decided to split up my family, but I also gained myself. I learned to listen to my needs and not push them aside. I was still able to be a mother, friend and coworker; and I became better at it when I started owning and living my truth.

Sometimes you may question if what you did was the right choice. Seeing the disruption in my family’s life certainly made me take a step back and pose that question, but I always came back to the same answer; I was slowly dying inside and my mental, emotional and physical health deteriorating as a result of it. Then my question was “Is this the example I want for my children?” Absolutely not.

The truth is my marriage didn’t solely end because I was gay. We were two completely different people. I wanted someone to challenge me on all levels, and he just was not made that way. That’s not a bad thing, but it wasn’t what I wanted in my life anymore. Put simply, I wanted to start living a life that was more conducive to my desires, instead of for everyone else.

When we want change, it’s mainly because we feel something just isn’t right for us. Many of us never make the effort to do anything about it because fear is more powerful than staying in what you already know. Although we may be sad, angry, feel uninspired or hopeless in a situation, we are in it and experiencing it in the present. We know exactly what’s going on and have developed ways to cope that have worked. If we change, we don’t know what the outcome will be, so we conjure up all the horrible negative things that could happen as a result of our actions; never making a move to change. This reminds me of a favorite quote… “There is freedom waiting for you on the breezes of the sky, and you ask, What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?”

I am one who likes to know the outcome. Always have been this way, and it’s something I struggle with continually. Seldom do I just live in the present moment and just enjoy it. I want to be prepared for several different outcomes should they arise. This is definitely a direct result of my childhood where unpredictability was highly prevalent. Over the years I’ve conditioned myself to be prepared in case things didn’t go the way they were planned, and if people didn’t follow through on what they said. I don’t want to be surprised and shocked by an outcome that I didn’t have a plan for. What I’ve learned from this though, is that instead of enjoying the moments as their occurring, I’m diminishing them by thinking of how they will end and how I’ll overcome that. Like I said, this is something that I work on to this day. And it brings me right back to the reason for this post. Endings aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Different directions aren’t failures. Unknown paths aren’t the result of bad planning. All of this just clears the path for something new and possibly better for you as you grow.

Growth is important to live a fulfilling life. If we become stagnant, how can we ever know the greatness that lies ahead? And I say that with certainty…Greatness that lies ahead, because in every change I’ve made in my life, there was a greatness hidden somewhere along the way. Every step wasn’t pure bliss and didn’t come without some pain, disappointment and misfortune, but the growth from the experience pushed me further to my own personal greatness. I’m pretty good at learning lessons from missteps. And to be extremely honest, sometimes I made the same missteps a couple times, due to falling back into what’s comfortable. But eventually I get it. The lightbulb finally goes off for me and I have that aha moment where I stop, reflect and tell myself, “OK, I see it now. What can I do differently next time?”

The great thing about this life we’ve been given, is we have the incredible ability to make our own reality. Nothing is ever impossible when you think about it. It’s all just a matter of perspective. It’s not easy. It’s incredibly fucking hard, but at any given moment we can concoct a plan to start over. It’s amazingly simple really. You just have to want it bad enough. I know for myself, I’ve started over more times than I’ve wanted to, but do you see the message here? I started again. I didn’t stop. Be constantly reaching for what you want. Eventually you will land in your desired place. And if there ever comes a time where that doesn’t serve you anymore, you have the ability to recreate and start another uncharted path.