Closure

Closure. When I look at or hear this word, it immediately sends a message to my brain that something has come to an acceptable end. I can feel a peace and relief wash over me, only because I now understand how to get there. Closure. It’s not an easy destination, but once we understand how to achieve it, the power is in our hands.

Like many of you reading this, I’ve had my share of events that’ve happened in my life that left me blindsided and with a ton of questions. From the time I could comprehend as a small child, I tried to find ways to understand why I was abandoned by my mother. I had questions that needed answers. My family wasn’t the type to discuss anything in detail, only making sure I knew the horrible parts of my mother, and that she left me and my sister at ages 1 & 4. I decided that I’d get those answers when I was an adult so that I could heal my hurt, and start to possibly understand.

Unfortunately, my mother passed away when I was 13, and the closure I’d been hoping for was stripped away from me.

I spent most of my adolescence and adult life going through the motions as we all do, relationships start and end, family members grow apart, and in a lot of these cases, nothing was really discussed. It was just an end. These moments stuck with me throughout my life, haunting me. I was crippled by the “what ifs”. Ruminating over how people could just walk away and not give any explanation. I would get angry and stuck in that emotion where it was debilitating, often causing anxiety and depression.

Then one day I happened to read an article about closure. In it, a therapist was having a conversation with their client about a recent breakup. The client was severely distraught about the abrupt end to the relationship and wanted answers. The therapist asked the client if their ex partner gave any explanation at all, and the client responded “Yes. They said they lost the connection. They don’t feel the same anymore”. The therapist asked why that answer wasn’t acceptable. The client responded that they just wanted to know how they lost it. What was the incident that caused it? And several other questions.

The therapist looked at the client and said “You’ve been hurt and were rejected. I guarantee you for every answer you get, you’ll try to explain away your actions, and you’ll end up in a never ending cycle of racking your brain to justify yourself. Closure is not something another person gives you. Closure comes from yourself. It’s when you decide to accept an end and move on.”

When I read that article, it made such perfect sense to me. Why was I letting a person who rejected me continue to have control over my feelings and life? They are undeserving of that power. Now, I’m not saying that accepting an end to something comes without hurt or disappointment. I believe that we have to feel the emotions, express them, learn and then heal from them. And quite honestly, there may be times when we revisit them with sadness, but knowing that we are in charge of that forgiveness and letting go, removes an unnecessary load to carry on our backs. Only we have the power to forgive and close that chapter in our story so that we can be free to write the next one.