Two weeks after posting my sons answers to an experimental questionnaire for my children, I received the responses from my daughter.
I’ve always loved that my children felt safe and secure with me, enough so to tell me the not so great things that happened, or that are going on in their lives. I always urged for them to express all of their emotions; not just the ones that make them appear perfect. That it’s OK to be sad, anxious, upset and angry too. I believe it’s ingrained in us to have certain gender roles to follow in our lives because our parents fear what others will think of us. Our boys are taught to be stoic, tough, don’t cry, and our daughters must be pretty, pleasant, accommodating and not make any type of scene. This is what happened to me and I suffered in silence and continued the path I’d been taught… until one day I realized I didn’t want this repeated pattern for my son or daughter. I actually had a say on how they were to be raised and maybe I could stop the dysfunction that was continually happening in my family.
I felt my daughters responses so deeply, just as I had my sons, but I will say that my daughter is a bit more expressive than my son. I could feel the hurt in both of their answers, but maybe more so with my daughter because we are both female. We both know the expectations placed upon women in the world and what society expects and requires of us.
As with my sons, I am posting my daughters answers as is, with no changes. I’ve learned so much from this conversation with them. I’ve also grown and healed. And I undoubtedly know that they have too.
TC: Can you remember your fondest memory as a child? What was it and how did it make you feel?
MC: I can’t think of any specific time, but I always looked forward to playing with my other cousins on my Dad’s side of the family during the holidays. When we would go to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, all of the kids would hang out together in the basement before and after eating. There were a lot of us who were around the same age so it was fun when we could all get together. I remember playing on the nintendo 64 for the first time at Aunt Kathy’s and Uncle Tom’s, which sparked my love for Mario Kart. My favorite part was when we would rip all of the cushions off the couch to build forts and have nerf gun wars. It made going to holiday dinners fun and I genuinely loved being with my family.
TC: How would you describe your childhood?
MC: When I think of my childhood, I think about how active I was. Whether it was running errands with mom, practicing my soccer skills with dad, or playing with other kids in the neighborhood, I felt like I was always out and doing something. I look back fondly on my childhood friends and the random, creative things we would do, like making “potions” out of my mom’s perfumes and lotions, playing ding-dong ditch on the same few houses, and having sleepovers and uploading an entire album to Facebook of goofy selfies taken on a digital camera. I would say my childhood was full of love and fun times.
TC: What were your thoughts when your father and I told you we were splitting up?
MC: I distinctly remember feeling sick to my stomach when you told me you didn’t want to go to Dad’s family’s Christmas party. That’s when it set in that things weren’t going to be the same anymore. I was concerned for both you and Dad, and I was afraid for things to change.
TC: What were your thoughts when I told you I was gay?
MC: I don’t remember being surprised, but I do remember not understanding how I didn’t know. Looking back on it, any of the negative feelings I felt were because you didn’t already tell me. I remember being worried that you didn’t want to be around us as much. I didn’t like when you kept things from me, even though I obviously wasn’t mature enough to understand everything at the time.
TC: Can you remember your most unpleasant memory as a child growing up? What was it and how did it make you feel?
MC: I’m sure I have some earlier unpleasant memories, but one that sticks with me is when I was in 6th grade and my math teacher deliberately tried to embarrass me. I was always hesitant to raise my hand and publicly participate in class. One day, the math teacher called me out of all the students up in the front of the class to do a problem that everyone had got wrong on the test. I made several failed attempts and he just wouldn’t let me sit down. He finally called on someone else to help, but made me stand up there with them, watching them do what I couldn’t. At the time, I felt singled out and embarrassed in front of the whole class. It seemed like I was being punished and I didn’t know why. Shortly after that incidence, we learned that the teacher’s son had recently died in the military. I wonder if that was his way of taking out his pain and anger on someone else, or if any other students were victims to it.
TC: When you think back on how you thought about my coming out as gay and divorcing back then, to how you think now, are there any differences? If so, what are they?
MC: As I mentioned before, I hated when I felt like you were hiding something from me. For some reason I always had to be included. I think I was vying for your attention the more you would go out and do things as Terri, not as my mother. Understanding what I do now, I think about how hard it must’ve been to decide it was time to tell me and Sean. It made me proud that you were able to prioritize your happiness while still being the same mother you’ve always been. This taught me how important is was for you to put yourself first and be unapologetically yourself.
TC: What would you describe as being the positive and negatives of having a gay parent?
MC: I can honestly say that there aren’t many cons to having a gay parent. One of the biggest positives would be supporting, representing, and being a part of the LGBTQ+ community. I feel like my relationship with my mother only strengthened after she came out. The bond that we share and our ability to learn from each other have also been positives.
TC: What would you say are the positives and negatives of having parents that are divorced?
MC: The biggest positive of having divorced parents is seeing them live their best lives on their own. Knowing that they are happy and thriving individually makes all the hard times worth it. Divorce comes with negatives such as financial stress and a lack of cooperation between both parties, but my parents have always come together to put me and my brother first despite facing these obstacles. I admit that it was emotionally hard for me when you first moved several states away while I lived with Dad, but you remained the supportive and involved mother you have always been. I look back fondly on the times I visited you too. I ultimately think I became more independent after you decided to move.
Coming Out Clueless 