My coming out journey began when my children were teenagers. My son was 15, my daughter 13.
I’ve written about the conversations I had with them when I disclosed my coming out and their father and I divorcing.
10 years have gone by and I’ve watched my children grow into adults who have formed their own viewpoints and perspective on so many different topics that I felt compelled to revisit the topic of my coming out and their parents divorce.
I know that time can distort so many stories we play in our minds, so I wanted to clarify if what I had thought back then, was still true today.
Now let me say, this was not an easy task for me. I’ve always had guilt for the breakup of my family. It’s not something any parent wants to put their child through, but I also felt very strongly that I needed to be an example for my children, and it was my hope they’d understand my decision as the years went on. I was also potentially reopening a wound that may cause some animosity toward me on their part. Nonetheless, I needed to do this.
About a month ago, while out to dinner, I told both of my kids about my questions. I also explained to them the importance of me sharing their responses to this blog, so that it may help other women and their children who are going through something similar.
One thing I absolutely adore about my kids, is they are very open minded and compassionate people. Knowing that their responses could help others made them feel good about sharing.
I told them that I’d like to email them several questions instead of doing an in person interview, mainly because I wanted them to take their time and be as honest and open with their responses. I didn’t want them to hold anything back and that they were not to worry about hurting me. I just wanted complete honesty.
Last week my son sent over his responses to my questions. I am going to list them without any changes. I am slightly embarrassed and feel sadness in my heart by some of what you’ll read, but I also feel good about most of it.
Here we go…
TC: Can you remember your fondest memory as a child? What was it and how did it make you feel?
SC: Can’t really put one specific memory at the top. But I remember always being really excited for Christmas and it always lived up to the hype. A lot of good times.
TC: How would you describe your childhood?
SC: I would say that I had a great childhood. Had a good family that loved and cared for me and never had to want for anything.
TC: What were your thoughts when your father and I told you we were splitting up?
SC: I was surprised. I didn’t know there were any issues going on. And I was anxious to see what that meant for our family and where we would go from there.
TC: What were your thoughts when I told you I was gay?
SC: I was really surprised. I didn’t have any idea until you came out to me. But I was accepting of it and never held it against you.
TC: Can you remember your most unpleasant memory as a child growing up? What was it and how did it make you feel?
SC: Probably the times I got in trouble for not doing homework. Happened a lot, but the two that stick out were when you called me retarded because I got a C- in english class in 6th grade. Or when dad told me he gave up and whatever I do in school was on me. Don’t remember when that was, but probably roughly around the same time. Didn’t feel great but I wasn’t doing schoolwork so that’s on me.
TC: When you think back on how you thought about my coming out as gay and divorcing back then, to how you think now, are there any differences? If so, what are they?
SC: I haven’t really changed my opinion of the situation at all. I was accepting of it then and that hasn’t changed.
TC: What would you describe as being the positive and negatives of having a gay parent?
SC: I don’t really see having a gay parent as being any better or worse. I don’t think you coming out really changed my relationship with you in any significant way.
TC: What would you say are the positives and negatives of having parents that are divorced?
SC: From the kids’ perspective, I’m not sure there’s many positives of having parents that are divorced. Not having a consistent living situation and having to do family things separately can be managed, but I don’t think it ever makes things better. But I think that some relationships just don’t work out, and staying together for the sake of it when you aren’t happy isn’t good for anyone. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the good of your family, and do what it takes to make things work, because you never want to see someone you love unhappy.
The purpose of this exercise was for me to release some guilt I’ve been feeling and to get to know my children on a deeper, more mature level. I can tell you my son did not disappoint. I believe his father and I raised him well despite many faults we’ve shown in his upbringing. And in seeing his responses, I believe he feels the same. I think we can all agree that divorce is not a pleasant experience for kids, but I also believe they understand when their family dynamic isn’t a happy one, and ultimately want that for all involved.
I won’t post the exact conversation I had with my son after I read his responses, but i will tell you that I apologized profusely for the derogatory comment I made to him. It honestly didn’t sound like something I’d ever say, but as a frustrated parent, I do know we can say some really stupid things in the heat of the moment.
One thing I do know for sure, is I believe I reached a new depth to my relationship with my son. Teaching him to talk about feelings and how it’s such a good thing to be open and vulnerable. I see these actions in his relationship with his girlfriend and it makes me so very proud as a mother, especially his.
Coming Out Clueless 