Prepared for Readiness

Here we are starting a new year and I thought it was time for me to get back to writing again. Most of my life, I loved to write. It’s an outlet for me to quiet the thoughts in my head, or at least subdue them to a level that isn’t deafening. Often times in order to get to this level of peace, I go through some emotional turmoil first. We all know that in order to get to the other side of something, we must go directly through it and sometimes quite frankly, I don’t want to. I put things up on a shelf until I feel strong enough, or in some cases – defeated enough to tackle the issue.

This brings me to today’s topic: Prepared for Readiness. Ever since I had my children almost 25 years ago, I’ve done some form of work on myself, typically in therapy. From learning ways to control my anxiety by understanding why I developed it in the first place, to healing old childhood wounds inflicted by neglect and abandonment. I’ve worked very hard to make improvements in my life. As I’ve gotten older, new obstacles popped up that I needed to find ways to adapt. Growing is never complete. It’s a forever, ongoing process.

So here I am at the age of 52. Chock full of life lessons. I survived 2 marriages, came out as a lesbian, raised 2 amazing children, relocated a couple of times, and found ways to make it on my own.

With these accomplishments you’d think I’d have found the key to living the life I’ve always dreamed. The reality is, I have a picture of that perfect life in my head, but I often followed my heart instead of my head and overlooked many red flags on my quest for a lasting love.

All of us have a different definition of what their perfect life is. I may tell you mine and it could be so completely different from yours or the next persons, but this is what makes us individuals who are free to live as we chose.

My dream has always been to feel safe and secure. With a family. With a partner who will stay. A home where we all come together and are just happy. A place for calm and tranquility. I never had this growing up. There was constant chaos and moving all the time. Fighting, anger, abuse. From my earliest moments, this is all I remember.

As much as I would try to achieve what seemed to be a simple request out of life, I was repeatedly involved in situations and relationships where there was extreme highs and deep, dismal lows. I would find myself in a relationship with someone who showered me with all the affection and admiration a person could ever want; building dreams together in our minds, but then having them stripped away as quickly as they were presented, until the pattern repeated itself over and over again. A roller coaster of emotional ups and downs.

What was really happening, is I was reliving my childhood. It’s what felt familiar to me. The brief highs were worth the lows is what I kept telling myself. That I could eventually get what I wanted if I just held out long enough. Loved more and sacrificed more of myself to prove my love, until one day I realized I was never going to achieve my dream of a simple life if I didn’t change the patterns that were ingrained in me from practically birth. Because this turmoil was so familiar to me, I was continually selecting people who were not capable, or willing to back up their words with actions; much like the people who raised me.

We are all worthy of having a fulfilling and joyful life. Destructive patterns can be broken and new healthy ones put in their place. It just takes acknowledgement and a willingness to change.