Letting Go

I recently came across a statement by Deborah Reber that has helped me in my quest of learning the practice of letting go.

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone (or something) anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself”.

Sounds like a simple enough statement, and it is, but on the other hand it takes a lot of work to get to this realization that there are many things in life that we can not control. I spent most of my adult life trying to control the outcomes. I’ve learned this is due to the unfortunate things that happened in my childhood where I had absolutely no control. I still at times believe that if I can control a certain situation, or outcome, my pain or suffering will be less. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

When I say this is an ongoing process for me, it is. I tend to resort back to my old patterns and ways of dealing with things. I believe that just because I made certain declarations and statements, they should be upheld. When those words can’t be fulfilled by me or another person, I tend to see myself and them as imposters and not ever thinking those words were spoken in truth. The reality is, things change. People change. Situations arise where we no longer feel we can uphold those words or statements. And this is OK. Instead of ruminating over what I could’ve done differently; asking question after question of what I did wrong, there really is no answer that is ever going to suffice. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve gotten answers, only to question them and still not receive the closure I’ve wanted and needed.

The first time I can remember letting go of a situation where I felt I needed so many questions answered, was the suicide of my mother. This occurred when I was 13, and I spent my teenage years not dealing with the emotions of that loss at all. As I’ve written about before, it was only when I had my son did I realize I had to deal with her death in order to move on and be the mother I needed to be. I collected her medical records, questioned her family, questioned my father, racked my brain to why any mother would leave her children behind. Why?! It just didn’t make sense to me at all. Then one day my therapist said to me, “You may never have the answer to this question. She is not here to answer it and she probably is the only one that could give you the answer you desire. But even with that answer, you may not like her response and would question her reasoning, therefore creating a never ending cycle of requiring the answer for your closure. Closure really comes from you. Letting go of all the things you think you could’ve controlled to make this terrible tragedy not happen. Once you let it go and accept it for what it is; your mothers decision to end her life, is when you will be able to truly heal from it.”

There is no easy way to let go. One thing I’ve always found to be consistent in my being able to move forward in my healing was to relinquish the need to understand it all. Once I get to that point, I know I’m going to be alright. This in no way means that I do not have feelings of sadness over the losses. I absolutely 100% do. I allow myself to feel all the emotions; hurt, anger, confusion. Then I tell myself a different story. I tell myself that some things just are not meant to stay with us forever. For whatever reason, these interactions with people or places needed to end. It’s accepted. I cherish the times that were good and hold them close in my memory, and I make the decision to no longer have those negative feelings take up space in my heart and mind.

It’s amazing actually, how true the statement is that you attract the energy you emit. When I feel the freest I’ve felt in a while, is when good things come to me. Having that happen to me several times in my life makes the letting go process a little bit easier each time it comes up.

There are things in our lifetime that will always cause us pain, anger and sadness. Trying to justify it will only clog up the pathway to allow the positive to make it’s way to you. Accept and let go.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it’s the letting go.” ~ Herman Hess