I decided to write about this – as I do with many of my topics, because it’s something that I’m currently dealing with, or have experienced at some point in my life.
Whenever I tend to repeat things in my life that do not allow me to have the desired effect I want, I try to evaluate what it is I did or didn’t do. Sometimes I can figure it out on my own, and other times I cannot.
After my last breakup, I once again felt like a failure. Unworthy of love and feeling like I was damaged in some way that was causing me to not have the ability to sustain a relationship. Since this was the fifth failed relationship in 9 years, I thought it was time I saw my therapist to dig deep into some self work and find out what it was exactly that I was doing wrong.
My therapist knew my back story; that I was with my ex-husband for a total of 21 years (married 17), and that putting my kids through this change was extremely difficult and left me feeling guilty for several years after. We then started to discuss the relationship with my first girlfriend after my marriage ended. This one lasted 2 years and I lived with her for almost a year. She was also the only woman I ever lived with. Although this woman was controlling, and emotionally and physically abusive to me, she had a great relationship with my kids; especially my daughter. When I decided it was healthier for me to end things, my daughter was once again in pain. She told me she’d never get close to another partner of mine, because love isn’t real and doesn’t last. After feeling back to back pain from yet another break up involving the people she loved, she wasn’t going to allow herself to get close to anyone I was with ever again. So here I am, feeling the guilt once more.
I will save you all of the details of each relationship after that one, but they were either long distance or married. There were always restrictions and limitations. When my therapist brought this up, she asked me if I saw a pattern. I did. Something I never noticed before. And she asked me if it was possible that I was selecting slightly unavailable partners as a safety measure so that I could not only shield my kids from more pain, but also myself. If I didn’t have a full life with these women and they were held at a distance, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much if it ended?
Wow! It was as if someone had smacked me over the head and I woke up. It made so much sense to me. And what I found interesting was now that my kids were adults in their 20’s, having healed and not afraid of getting to know any new partner of mine, I still had this same mentality of guarding them and myself.
I had found the pattern. As much as I wanted a lifelong love; someone to share my life with, I was selecting women who were unwilling, or unable to give me the same thing. I used to tell myself that having an incredible relationship with someone only part-time with restrictions, was better than having a mediocre one full time. The reality being, I wasn’t allowing myself to be open to having it all, because I feared so much of it being stripped away.
I realize there are marriages out there that are not good. Spouses that are manipulative, abusive, and downright horrific. Getting yourself out of that situation creates a sense of safety, the space to heal, and rebuild your self-worth. I did not experience a bad marriage. He was not mean, unkind, nor emotionally or physically abusive. We weren’t a great match, but he was a good husband and father. When I left, I felt the loss of that long time commitment we shared together as a family unit. Not having that anymore devastated me more than I ever admitted.
So as I’m writing this, I still have things that scare me about becoming emotionally involved again, but I can say that I feel more equipped with how to navigate this due to not repeating the patterns I have in the past. As I wrote in a recent post about therapy, I am grateful to have the trust in my therapist to help me find solutions to the issues I feel stuck in. I may not discover the answers right away, but with my willingness to learn more about myself and grow, I know I’ll eventually get there.
Coming Out Clueless 