I decided to write about this topic because in the near decade of me being out, I’ve heard many stories, and even met fellow lesbians who are no longer in relationships, but have remained friends.
I’ll admit, I struggled with this concept for a really long time. How could anyone be friends with someone who chose not to be your intimate partner anymore? Someone who left and broke your heart? I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it…until it happened to me.
In some of my failed relationships, they ended due to volatile, controlling behaviors or cheating. This was with the men and women I’ve dated in my life. Having to heal my heart and get my head back together again after these traumas, took a lot of work. There was no way I was ever going to let that person back into my life again to unravel what I’d worked so hard on healing.
I can tell you from my experiences in dating women; and I know many of you will agree, there is a different level of intimacy and bonding that happens that I’ve never experienced with a man. Women tend to share more. There is a closeness that develops, that I believe we may feel because we are in fact, both women.
Now I will state that I’ve never had any desire to be friends with the women in my life who cheated, who were controlling, or ridiculed me. In my eyes, that is not a person with whom I’d ever want to be friends with. I closed that chapter in my story, and moved on. Memories made and lessons learned. But there are a couple women who I’ve dated where it ended amicably. There was either a loss of connection, or circumstances weren’t in align with what we both wanted, or were ready for. Our lives were just on different paths. This is where I learned the phrase that I’ve heard so often before “We were just better as friends.”
Back in 2019, while I lived in Tennessee, I met a woman I started dating who lived about 1 hour 45 minutes from me. Like many lesbian relationships, it went from 0-60 in record time. I was spending all of my free time with her. It was great in the beginning, but I soon realized that I was the giver in the relationship. I was the one who drove to her every weekend, and sometimes during the week. I did all the activities that she wanted to do, I didn’t let my own wants and needs known due to fear she’d be upset because they didn’t align with her wants and desires. So I slowly lost myself. Let me also add that she had very young children; 7 & 4 years old. My children were 21 & 19. I prefer dating women who have kids. In my experience, there’s a nurturing and understanding there that I’ve never experienced with women who didn’t have children. Even so, the reality was I didn’t want to go through the process of having to raise kids again. I started expressing my need to have some alone time on some weekends, and also to connect with the friends I had made in my new adopted state. This was often a issue as I was seen as not being “in the relationship”. I believe that’s when we both started realizing we had differences that we both wouldn’t budge on. She wanted a full time person who would spend all of their spare moments with her, and I needed some autonomy and a little room to breath.
Fast forward to the arrival of Covid in 2020. We spent 3 straight weeks working from home at her place together with her children, and I knew then we just weren’t compatible. I actually told myself I left to save the relationship, but I never went back. We tried to keep it together via FaceTime and phone calls but it inevitably ended.
How it ended was different from any relationship that I had at the time though. There was a FaceTime call, and she mentioned that the connection between us was lost. That she still had love in her heart for me, cherished what we had, but realized that it was just time to basically pull the plug and end it. I was hurt, and I know it was mainly from rejection, but I was also so relieved. I knew it was supposed to end, but as always, I didn’t want to be the one to hurt the person by making that statement first.
What I’ve come to realize, is this ending was one of the greatest gifts a person has ever given me. It allowed me move back home to be with my children in New Jersey, reunite with old friends, fall in love, and work on creating a life I’ve always imagined.
That doesn’t mean there wasn’t a loss felt from that ending. We agreed to remain friends, but also agreed that no contact was important to allow for healing. We remained Facebook friends and would like each others posts from time to time, exchanged a happy birthday, congratulations on new relationships, and other milestones in our lives, but there wasn’t a friendship, per se.
It was only after a couple years had gone by and a breakup happened with her, that we started to talk more and establish a friendship.
We didn’t hash out old issues that occurred between us, or talk about our past relationship at all other than we had some good experiences and can reflect on them fondly. We started talking to each other like friends; and that is something I can honestly say we never really did when we dated each other. We are so different and often disagree on a multitude of things, but we respect those differences and don’t take them personally as we would’ve if we were in a relationship. This is when I understood how past partners could become friends.
They say that time heals all wounds, and I do believe that to be true. Some relationships end and they are so painful due to timing being off, loss of the routine, or the inability to come together on mutual desires for whatever reason, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that person is out of our life forever. It could very well mean that their space in our lives as an intimate partner wasn’t meant to be, and a friendship is more conducive to the both of you.
The important thing I’ve learned from most of my relationships that have ended, is they were special at one time or another, and if healing can happen and they were a good person, why wouldn’t we want to keep this special person in our life if they still added to it, but on a different level?
Coming Out Clueless 