My Coming Out Story

Like so many of us, there’s usually a story, or series of events that adds to our realization that we are no longer straight. For me, I knew from a very young age. I felt different. I looked and acted different. I don’t say these things to mean that all gay people have to look or act a certain way, but in my case, I was butch from the get go. I despised anything girly. Preferred Matchbox cars and Big Wheels over Barbies and tea sets. For Halloween, I was Spiderman, GI Joe, and Dracula. My sister and I even went as Raggedy Ann and Andy. Guess who was Andy? That was me. I just felt comfortable being plain and in boy clothes. Nothing special or standing out.

Fast forward to my teenage years when all of the girls were crushing on boys, I was secretly crushing on the girls. There was no way I could ever tell anyone this, although I believe my parents knew. I was repeatedly told there were two things that would get me disowned from the family, and that was dating outside my race or being gay. Racial and homophobic slurs were in abundance in my home. I knew then that I had to conform to fit in and be accepted. The one thing a teenager definitely does not want is to be an outcast from her family and friends. After having short hair most of my adolescence, I started to grow it out; long blonde curls. I soon learned that boys liked that, as did my peers and family members. Little by little, I’d mold myself into the person they wanted me to become. Girly, but not too girly. I still had my tomboyish ways, but I certainly looked the part of a straight girl in the 80’s.

I found myself married to a man at 19. Divorced at 20. Married again at age 25, having 2 children by the time I was 28. Although I loved both of these men, I was not emotionally or physically attracted to them. There was a void that was so apparent, and deep down I knew what it was, but I had chosen to be straight. That’s just how it had to be. One thing I have always had the capability to do back in those days, was to block out what wasn’t necessary and bring forth what was. I had chosen to be a wife and mother, and I was going to be good at both!

It’s important for me to state that I was happy for a while. Content. My ex husband was a kind man. A great provider, and a hands on dad. I selected an excellent partner to procreate and share a life with. We were a great team, and being a stay at home mom was one of the greatest experiences I was so very fortunate to have.

So what happened? Was it that ‘ole mid life crisis that we hear about all the time? We hit a certain age, and start to reflect back on what we’ve done with our life. Take stock. Evaluate our own happiness. For anyone that is a mom, you know that your needs are pretty much non-existent until our kids are a little more self-sufficient. Even as teenagers, they rely on us for so much. We forego a lot to make sure they are happy and fulfilled. What happened was my kids turned into teenagers and I was having those hard conversations with them about being true to themselves. Never settling in life. That no matter how bad a situation is, it’s not impossible to get out of it. This is when I realized that I was teaching my children to be something I was not. I had a few years of being self destructive in my misery when I knew I had to face my truth and at the same time, face the heartbreak of splitting up my family and mourning the life I had wanted for all of us.

It’s been 8 years since I had those hard conversations and terribly awful moments of despair. But there have been moments of absolute bliss, enormous growth, and a sense of independence that I’ve never known.

As Dolly Parton once said, “If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with a little rain.”